


Unheimlich

by Zelda4dinner



Category: Metal Gear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 19:14:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10860309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zelda4dinner/pseuds/Zelda4dinner
Summary: This is a really dumb story entirely spawned from a conversation I had with my wife regarding "What do you think is the one thing Ocelot fears the most?" Also, everyone is a parody of themselves. Absolutely ridiculous.





	Unheimlich

Kaz sighed, frustrated at the lack of progress they had made with the kids. His goal in keeping the war orphans on Mother Base was to educate them, teach them basic skills and how to speak English, provide counseling where needed all with the goal of reintegrating them into society. Despite Snake’s protests, everything seemed to be going well enough- that is, until Eli arrived. The White Mamba was like the Id of childhood personified; he was impulsive, aggressive, and shirked authority. Short tempered, even violent at times, and with what Ocelot described as a “pathological inferiority complex directed at adults”, he had turned Kaz’s little boarding school experiment practically into a real world “Lord of the Flies”. At least nobody had been hurt. Yet.  


“I don’t understand it. These kids have it way better than I ever did. What’s their deal?” Kaz lamented to Ocelot and Snake. Ocelot was stretched out on Miller’s sofa absentmindedly twirling one of his revolvers (Miller had long since given up on warning him about gunplay indoors), when he chuckled to himself. “You really don’t know anything about kids, do you?” Kaz frowned incredulously “And you do?” Venom, who had until now been scrolling through the playlist on his iDroid, suddenly looked up with interest as Ocelot shifted his weight getting comfier. “I’ve read some literature on child psychology when I studied at the University of Moscow. Vygotsky was a Russian, you know.” Venom, easily impressed by anything Ocelot said, raised his eyebrows “Deadly and smart, that’s why I keep you two around.”  


Miller sneered. “Alright then, what do you think we should do Ocelot?” Ocelot rose and made to leave “Simple. This place isn’t fun. You’re not fun. You can give these kids the best education and all the opportunities in the world, but kids like to have fun. You should try it sometime Miller. Loosen up once in a while.” Ocelot grinned as the door shut behind him, enjoying the discomfort his parting comment would make on his egotistical rival. Kaz was both furious and flustered “Of all the- this place is fun! I’m fun damnit! Aren’t I boss? Isn’t this place fun?” Venom shrugged. “I mean, I think so. What kid doesn’t think taking apart and reassembling an AM D114 is fun?”  


“Boss, what’s something you wish you could’ve done as a kid, but never got the chance to?” Venom pondered for a moment. “Uh…go to Disneyland?” Kaz’s face beamed with excitement. “That’s it! Why didn’t I think of it before? I remember wishing they’d build one in Japan when I was a kid. That’s what those kids need, a vacation!” Venom scratched his head, mindful of the horn. “Uh, Kaz, you really think Eli would do well on a road trip?” All of the burgeoning plans in Miller’s head came suddenly crashing down as he envisioned the multifarious ways in which this trip could go wrong. Eli might attack one of the face characters under the belief they were real, he’d never have the patience to wait in line like a good little boy and would probably end up trying to stab or at least bite someone. The best thing they could hope for was that he pick pocketed someone, was caught by security, and ended up being thrown out of the park. Kaz slumped back in his chair, defeated. “You’re right. That’s a terrible idea. With all the attention he’d draw towards us Cipher would be sure to notice us, and on American soil no less.”  


Not prepared to give up on his the kid’s childhood dreams, Kaz thought for a moment before having another brilliant idea. “Boss, why bother with the logistics of taking the kids to Disneyland when we can just build our own theme park right here?” This time it was Venom’s turn to look incredulous. “You want to build a theme park, here, on Mother Base?” Kaz shoved the stack of papers he had been working through to the side as he began scribbling notes and making crude drawings in preparation for consulting the R&D team. “Yeah! We can construct an entire platform, adjacent to the animal conservatory we already have, and build our very own theme park! Who knows, if things go well enough, maybe we can open to the public and start charging admission!”  


Venom’s eye narrowed, “You’re going to use these kids as a focus group?” Too busy to look up, Kaz waved away Snake’s concern “Boss, opportunity knocks and you gotta answer the call. I’ll draw up some plans and take them to the R&D team right away…” Miller paused “With your approval of course!” Venom shook his head “Sure, whatever. This is your mess to sort out. As XO, you’re going to accept full responsibility for whatever happens, and whatever costs this might incur. Capisce?” Kaz nodded, absorbed in his planning and paying little attention “Uh huh, absolutely. That right there is why you’re the Boss!”  
***  


A scant three days had passed before the R&D team issued their full report, including the estimated costs for building, staffing, and safety testing all the rides and attractions, as well as requisitioning the necessary personnel to staff a theme park of the estimated size. Kaz nearly had a heart attack when he read the report. “$100 million!” The head of the financial department was quick to point out “Adjusted for inflation.” Kaz threw the report down on his desk and buried his head in his hands “There’s no way I could justify that much coming out of our black budget! Can’t we cut costs somewhere?” The head of finance frowned as he flipped through his copy of the report and crunched numbers “Setting aside the sheer scale of the project and the number of workers we’d have to take away from other projects, the only way we could feasibly cut labor costs is outsourcing.” Seizing on the idea, Kaz nodded in approval “Good. Yeah, there’s plenty of people in places like Angola or Mozambique looking for a job, and they’re not union either so we can pay them a fraction of what we’d have to pay our own people! Just make sure nobody outside gets wind of it, the last thing we need is our contract with NGOs jeopardized for ‘human rights violations’ or something like that.”  


The head of finance nodded. “Alright then, that just leaves…Imagineers.” Kaz’s eyebrows furrowed over his sunglasses “Excuse me?”  
“Imagineers was the name given to the R&D branch of the Walt Disney corporation. They were the creative minds responsible for dreaming up, designing, and building all of the attractions. If you’re going to build a theme park, you’ll need engineers as well as artists and designers.” Kaz thought for a moment. “Time is money, and we don’t have time to create original characters or our own IP. Hmm, we can’t base the designs off existing characters either or we’d face a lawsuit…” Once more the Blonde Brilliance had an idea “Wait a minute, what if instead of hiring artists to create original characters we used real life models? Yeah! We could just staff the park with animatronic models of Mother Base staff! H-How much would that save us?” The head of finance ran the calculations and smiled. “Enough. Let’s do it!”  
***  


It was a testament to the skills of the R&D team-not to mention the low paid laborers-that Mother Base’s very own theme park had its opening day a scant six months later. In remembrance of Peace Day, Venom and Kaz had agreed that this one day would be a time of rest and relaxation for all. Diamond Dogs from all over the world were called back to base to celebrate. Not one for conviviality, Ocelot nonetheless accepted Venom’s most insistent invitation and had just returned from Afghanistan. “After all,” Venom had told him, “This was sort of your idea.”  


Swaggering through the entrance with his very own Gold Pass (the average DD still had to pay a nominal entry fee), he smiled at the idea of winning at every single game with his superior marksmanship and just how indignant Miller would be at losing that much money. Maybe he would enjoy himself today. He began to make his way through the crowd of soldiers, deciding he would first stop at the ring toss before moving on to the much less challenging milk jug shooting, when he stopped. For once, Ocelot felt helpless, so horrible was the sight before him. It was one of the few times in his life that Ocelot knew he was not in control of the situation. He gulped. This was true fear. There, waving vacantly at the passersby, was an animatronic likeness of Venom Snake. No mistaking it, the masculine cut of the jaw, the iron hard six pack, not to mention prodigious member, every muscle carefully sculpted-no doubt under the watchful and lascivious eyes of Kazuhira- P.T. Barnum- Miller.  


“You’re pretty good.” Its head turned in his general direction and Ocelot caught the single, glassy eye, feeling his stomach turn to knots. His knees trembled under the strange waves of dread and desire this imitation Snake inspired. The right arm moved in a jerky and inhuman fashion, the mechanical hand frozen in a permanent thumbs up. “Kept you waiting, huh?”  


Ocelot hurried past the grotesque parody of his Boss, pushing and shoving his way past anyone in his path. Finally, alone, he stopped to rest and regain his composure. “Whew. I think I lost him.” He had to calm down, had to collect his thoughts. His mind clouded with fear at the thought of those soulless, unblinking eyes, staring through him. He had learned from a very young age that people, no matter how different, deep down were all the same- disgustingly predictable bundles of desires and neuroses. There wasn’t a person alive he couldn’t read like an open book and manipulate to his own ends (well, maybe one). These things were different. They looked like people, they even sounded and acted like people, but they were not people. They were empty, and that emptiness terrified Ocelot more than anything. These things were like people he couldn’t read, people he couldn’t manipulate, and without that…  


“No! I have to warn the Boss! I’m the only one who can. Be gone, thought!” With that, Ocelot banished his fear deep into the Stygian depths of his mind, hypnotizing himself and rewriting his memory of the event. He was gasping for breath, his shirt clung to his back, slick with a cold sweat. This was no accident, it was all Miller’s doing. Somehow, Miller had found his one weakness; this whole theme park was nothing but a ruse, a trap meant to disguise Miller’s real plan, and playing off his affection for Big Boss, Miller had used the Boss to lure Ocelot into coming- Miller had played him like a damn fiddle. It was, however, uncharacteristically low for Miller to use the children as part of his scheme. Or, perhaps Ocelot had to concede that he had underestimated just how much Miller truly hated him.  


“Want to hear a song? Buy something!” Ocelot sighed, shaking his head. “Miller, after all this, do you really think I’d give you any of my…” Ocelot turned expecting to see the scowl of his rival, but instead was greeted with a guitar bearing mechanical Miller, hair perfectly coiffed and with both arms, looking exactly nine years younger. “Sweet juicy Jesus!” Ocelot exclaimed, leaping back. “Celebrate Peace Day/ Every day!” Miller, too, had traded in his mortal coil for a superior robot body. Was this the weapon to surpass Metal Gear?  
Backing away slowly, Ocelot broke into a full sprint away from the Transhumanist nightmare. He had to find the real Snake, had to alert the base to the impersonators in their midst that Miller’s greed and lust for revenge had unleashed upon them. His mind overcome with terror, he failed to notice the long line of children waiting in queue for a spinning teacup ride carefully constructed so as not to resemble a certain trademarked attraction. Nearly bowling a child over, Ocelot staggered and grabbed the boy shouting “Run for your lives children! The base has been compromised! They’ll imitate us all! They’re body snatchers!”  


Confused and mildly afraid, the children glared at Ocelot before one of them protested “No way! I’m not getting out of line! We’ve been waiting in line for nearly an hour and it’s almost our turn!” Ocelot had no time to spare. Thinking of the bigger picture, Ocelot decided to abandon the kids to their fate in order to find someone who would take him seriously. The kids looked at each other, shrugging, before going back to waiting as Eli took his thirtieth spin on the singular teacup with no sign of giving up the seat anytime soon.  
“This is stupid. What a stupid ride!” The soldiers running the ride looked at each other with pained expressions, patiently replying “Look kid, if you don’t like it then get off. Give someone else a turn.” Eli huffed and produced a crudely constructed knife. “You can’t make me! It’s MY turn, I’ll tell you when I’m done! Now run it again!” The soldiers gave a sorry shrug to the kids in line before running the ride again. The children bemoaned their fate, withering under the triumphant smirk of Eli, who inwardly pondered “Is this what…’fun’ feels like?” He would remain on that ride long into the night.  
***  


Ocelot was hopelessly lost, having been turned around and lost his bearings amidst the unwary crowd. “These fools,” he thought to himself. “How can they eat their cotton candy and giant lollipops when there’s these…these things masquerading as men?” He allowed himself a sigh of relief “At least Miller had sense enough to only build two.” That’s when he heard him.  
“Reeeeach fer the sky!” He didn’t have to turn around to know the buzzing, clicking monstrosity that had snuck up behind him was an imposter of Diamond Dog’s most powerful and fearsome weapon- himself. He cursed himself for letting fear get the better of him. No, the truth was, his opponent was just too damn good, perhaps better than the original “No, he wouldn’t. He didn’t…” Slowly, Ocelot turned around and jumped as his hellish doppelganger screeched “MRREEEOOW!”  


The gangly cowboy which stood before him was an image conjured from Miller’s deepest hatred for his rival, resembling what Ocelot might look like if you stood him in front of a funhouse mirror. A large, beak-like nose over a wispy moustache, thinly rooted more-gray-than-blonde hair, some unseen mechanism having jammed preventing the eyes from focusing on any one point, and a delayed speech function which prompted the drooping mouth to continue a full ten seconds after speaking. “Wot n’ tarnation?!”  


The figure was not only horrifying, but downright insulting. Ocelot would not let this go unaddressed, and if they survived this, he would have to have a talk with Miller later. He couldn’t allow his image to be so sullied. An abomination such as this could not be allowed to live, not even a half-life such as it now possessed. Intending to make quick work of the dime store cowboy, Ocelot drew both revolvers, only to be met with a pair of revolvers in turn. “Draw, comrade!” He had to hand it to him, at least Miller remembered he was Russian…but why the hell did he give this thing guns? Were they real?  


BANG! The sudden searing pain in his leg confirmed that, yes, yes they were real. “What the hell Miller! Why in Stalin’s Red Russia would you give it guns?” He dove for cover as a second shot landed where his left foot had been a second ago, the stray bullet ricocheting off the ground and striking a nearby light post before returning to the robot and blasting off the obscenely large nose. With this glimmer of hope, Ocelot laughed “Ha! Just a cheap imitation!” The Ocelbot jerked its head to one side and sputtered “Pretty good?” Ocelot gritted his teeth “Not even close.” With that, he unloaded both revolvers into the titanium chest of the Ocelbot, sparks flying and screws bouncing off the deck of Mother Base as Ocelbot crumpled into a junk heap.  
His spurs jangling, Ocelot strode triumphantly to stand over his fallen nemesis. As the twisted mass of metal twitched erratically below him, Ocelot stared down smugly “Six shots. More than enough to kill anything that moves.” He knelt down and ripped off the head, jaw gesticulating out of sync with its now incoherent speech. He was going to bring this back to Miller, evidence of the evil he had unleashed. With this, the Boss and everyone else would have no choice but to believe him. He reloaded his revolvers, picked up the head, and left for Miller’s office. It was too dangerous to engage Big Bot in open combat with all of these innocent bystanders, as Ocelbot had already proven a formidable foe. Ocelot instead opted to keep closer to the storefronts and make his way to the exit the long way round.  


“Don’t forget to stop at the gift shop! Diamond Dogs are forever!” It was Mecha Miller, leaping out from one of the shops with his guitar and the sun glittering off his sunglasses. “Celebrate Peace Day/ Every day!” With a newfound confidence from having vanquished Ocelbot, Ocelot calmly raised his one revolver and with one precisely ricocheted shot, blew off the right arm and left leg of Mecha Miller. Coldly, he strode past the maimed mechanoid muttering “Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.” As he walked away leaving Mecha Miller in a shower of sparks, the robot sputtered “Peace…Peace…Peace Day. Buy…Peace Day. Buy…Peace.”  
***  


“What the hell did you do to my robot?! These things are expensive! How are we supposed to have a theme park without mascots?” Kaz frowned, mouth twitching as Ocelot tossed the mangled head of Ocelbot’s head onto his desk. “Damnit Miller, look at this unholy creation! Do you have any idea what you’ve done? It’s only a matter of time before these things attain sentience and begin to assimilate us into their collective!” Kaz snickered. “Coming from a Russian that’s hilarious, but how much it’s going to cost to repair this thing is no joke! I’m docking your pay for this. Besides, just who the hell is afraid of these things anyway? What are you, two?”  
Ocelot puffed up proudly. “It’s called automatonophobia, Miller. Look it up!”  
“Ocelot, who are you talking to?” Perfect. Snake was here, and now Ocelot could talk to somebody with some sense, somebody who would listen to reason instead of being blinded by dollar signs. “Boss, listen to me, we’ve got to…” Venom Snake had strolled into Miller’s office, arm draped affectionately around the shambling remains of Mecha Miller, sparks from the badly damaged bot bouncing and burning tiny holes into his fatigues. In Venom’s one hand was a large, stuffed DD plush. 

“Kaz won this for you at the ring toss! Hey, what happened to your robot? Aww, what happened to the nose? That was his best part.” Flabbergasted, Kaz’s jaw nearly dropped to the desk. “Are you freakin’ serious? Boss, for God’s sake, I’m right here!” Always a man of action first, words second, Ocelot grabbed Snake firmly by the arm and made to jerk him away from Mecha Miller. “Boss get away from him! He’s dangerous!” Venom frowned and rolled his eye. “What’s your problem? I know you don’t exactly like one another, but ‘dangerous’?” Kaz (the real Kaz) grew red with rage, his gloved hand curling into a fist around the neck of Ocelbot “You really can’t tell the difference, can you? My God.” Ocelot shook his head. “Boss, there’s no time! You have to…” Ocelot’s eye drifted to the hand clutching the large plush dog. His eyes went wide and his heart dropped as he took note of the bright red bionic arm. He staggered back “Oh no. No. NO! They got you too!” Shoving his way past both Snake and Mecha Miller, Ocelot bolted out the door. Snake shook his head, turning to Mecha Miller and tapping himself on the forehead. “Poor kid. He never was quite right upstairs.” Mecha Miller twitched. “Peace Day!/ Every day!” Snake grinned. “Now that’s the spirit Kaz!” 

Kaz (the real Kaz) buried his head in his hands, and may or may not have started crying.


End file.
